my laptop is crumbling.
the 'K' is gone.
oh well.
i cant sleep.
it has been a few days.
its been very hard.
im getting insomnia.
i had to depend on meds to sleep.
as cruel and irony about me being a nurse and telling people drug abuse is wrong, i had to.
i cant help it.
i really cant sleep.
i took my very last Dormicum 15mg last night.
i have nothing left.
well. i took Naproxen 275mg, 3 tabs. thats the same as.. 825mg.
wonder if thats gonna kick me to sleep.
so far it hasnt done any wonders for me.
Amy said taking Naproxen is going to make me have gastric pain.
thats the LEAST of my problems.
my only problem is YOU.
You friggin lil bastard.
Youre not only a bastard.
Youre a prick.
Youre a fucking prick.
I pray you will get your retribution, you fucking shit.

I am seriously lost.

I am not only losing myself.
I am losing my love.
I am going to lose An.
He is going to leave me sooner or later.
I am going to be devastated. Yes i will.
But one thing i will never regret is, telling him what happened.
Telling him the truth.

Lynn said this might take a while.

The thing is, i think after awhile, the worst might happen.
I dont have awhile.

I am on MC the past 2 days.
Tomorrow i am on leave.
I dont think im going to stay home.
I need to get out.
But i dont know where to run to.
I dont know if i am well enough to go for a walk.
The usual walks i used to have before knowing An.
Maybe it will do me good.
Maybe.

I havent been taking my clarithromycins.
i dont see any point in taking any antibiotics.
useless lil scumbags.

today marks 9th August.
just a year ago, me and An went to watch Envy at Esplanade.
It feels like it was just yesterday.
Today is National day.
Happy birthday, Lioncity.
Lights out, asia.
I stayed home, trying to eat.
We had steamboat.
I love my family.

Today was also Dayana's Engagement thingy.
i went there with Azlyn and Jamilah (who is my cousin and she was also engaged).
After that went to lot one, got a cake and a nike polo shirt for my bro in law as his birthday was yesterday.
After that went our separate ways, as azlyn wanted to meet up with lan (her boyfriend, who dated me before he knows her.) and jamilah wanted to see the fireworks with the fiance.
So left me dragging my feet going home with a wrong sized poloshirt and a half mashed up chocolate cake.
as much as i dont want to show my feelings, it was as if, my unintentionally actions really showed that i was trouble.
Lucky for me, my family is big. so my mommy doesnt see much of me.

I am still waiting for him.
It has been 5 days since it happened.
Its been 2 days since An hasnt spoken to me.
I pray that one day, just one day,
Light will shine on me.
Open my eyes to the things i have never treasured before.

I should stop annoying Lynn.
If i am Lynn, i would love to tell Nurul to bloody shut up and fock off, cos its none of my business.

i think i look better on fragmented mirror.

im giving myself a week.
if nothing happens, im going to disappear.

sumpah, ini lah livejournal yang paling banget berhabuk di angkasa lelaman web yang jahanam ni. besok aku keje pukul rata purata 7 pagi sampai 10 malam. kalah kan orang bangla keje. selalu nye, di club, ada reggae night. tapi niari, rumah aku, ada nigger night. lagu from kanye west sampai ke timbaland. okay bye, cb.

*i am so friggin bored.*

i think this journal is more of like an escape for me to type what ever i want.
not alot of people know about this journal. its better that way.

i dont know where to start. but i'll just start with this.

'I should have known that this would happen.'

I am heartbroken.
The words you told me last night, i would never forget.
I am strangely calm.
Finally i knew what's going on in that head of yours.
I felt loved.
Whenever i am with you, every touch, every stroke.
I am sad now.
Knowing that you said you've tried but it didnt work for you.


I just dont want to lose you, an.
If we are meant to be only bestfriends, so be it.
Just dont leave me.

Because i love you.

it turned out that it was nothing.
nada.
he said he didnt know what he was doing.
so i said, forget it.
bye.

I am here typing this entry while waiting for my parents to come home from KL. Yes. Very-the-filial-daughter. haha.

There are a couple of top-priorities for me to accomplish right now.
1) Getting 100bucks to finally register for my nursing license.
2) Save up for my Mount Kinabalu Expedition in March.
3) Save up for an important date with An.

Yes, i am going to give a shot, again, at dating.
Its going to be hard, but i am willingly to try. After so many attempts.
From Halis, to Fizzy, to Dekie, to Vin, to An, to Samuel, to Zul.. and now, back to An.
Dont get me wrong. Yes we both are great buddies.
But, it was also my first time confessing to a guy that i actually like him. It was awkward, but it was fine. =D

So, last night's phone conversation went like this,
An: Eh, when you're going to go out with me? You said you wanted to go out with me last night, then you bubbled me sia.
Me: I knowww... But i really cant help it. My close poly friend kena bastard sia. Her bf who is my friend, cheated on her. So i had to accompany her.
An: Ya lah. Ya lah. You bubbled me not only once, you know.
Me: Okay2. We will go out together ok. I'll just have to book a day so i will bring you out for lunch.
An: And a movie after that. You choose the movie.
Me: Whoa. Okay2. Set.
An: So its a date or a going out as a friend thing?
Me: Huh? We.... are friends what.. so we go out as friends lah. whats the diff?
An: Well. the diff between a date and a going out thing is, date is like once a while go out, in a diff environment, diff attire. No asal-boleh-selekeh-nurul. Must wear nice2. it doesnt have to be a dress. Just dress a little nicer.
(me smiling to myself.)
Me: Okay then. Its a date.
An: I knew you're going to say that.

=D

oh boy, if only you'd stopped telling me to move on.
idiot. i would only stopped liking you, IF i found someone new.

another part of the phone conversation

Me: You know, you should stop clubbing if you know that you'll get into trouble about it, one day.
An: But, for me, i have to, because i make friends thru clubbing. Socialise. I need to find new friends, you know. Its different from you, because you're a stay home kid. I am not.
Me: Yes, i know. And im proud of it. heh. anyway, i think you will feel out of place when you find yourself in a crowded place full of hot girls gyrating around you what. so im advising you, stop clubbing. what happens if something bad happened?
An: Okay lah. Okay lah. You become my girlfriend.
Me: hahahhaha!
An: See. You laughed.

Was that a proposal? Muhd Farhan Ismail? Was that a proposal for me to become you're girlfriend?

I would like to tryout. =D

if it wasnt.. well.. yeah. i laughed.

Bam got engaged yesterday.
Good for him. Good luck for the girl, Natasya.
GOOD RIDDANCE.

im going to call an.
bye.

wffw

Well, its never too late to have stupid new years resolutions right?
I have never had any before because i figured out, its not going to work anyway.
So this year, TWO OH OH NINE, i am going to have just one resolution for a change. But pretty lame, but who cares laaaah. this is my journal right. i can type what ever i like what. i can even post a photo of my butt-ugly face that i have, every time i wake up, if i want to. but no, not now.

MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION IS, INNER PEACE.
dah. itu sahaja. the rest, is all in my mind.

i have so much things to type, but so little energy left.
I swear i am born with a mind with a different body.

First, i just want to celebrate today!
What's so special with today?
Well, let me see..
Today's the 8th January 09.
Its the Countdown Of Pre-Graduation-Celebration for me!
I have only 21 days left to do my clinical attachments!! Oh! OH! WAIT!!
21 days minus off all the PHs and the offdays = 13 days more!!!!
OH MY GOD!!!! IM SO EXCITED LAH, CB!
okay. over excited already. heart rate too fast. no good.

Okay. what's next for me to type about eh.
shit i forgot lah sial.
erm...
oh ya! i have just finished off all of my night shifts and i have never been so glad. I came back from work arnd 9am today, and till now, i have not slept yet. Which means, i have not slept since yesterday 4pm.
I just dont feel sleepy.
But im tired.
Blame it on Red Bull. It gives me wings. and insomnia.

This entry is going to be a really confusing one, but what da hell.
I think the only person who bothers reading my entries, would be Dee.
I love you lah babe. She damn cute lah. She thinks i am BFFs with someone whom she.. well.. dont like. but nooo. since when i have a bff in the first place, dee. kau kan kakak aku tapi lain mak bapak.

If you were to be a superhero/ine, what would it be.
If I were to be a superheroine, i would be The Invisible Girl.
Why? Because most people see right through me.
I am an absolute nobody.
Flashbacks: I do remember an incident someone accidentally sat on me in the train. She wasnt exactly light and small sized. And of course, the countless times people walking and knocking into me.
I was sad over all that.
In face, i am still sad till now.



BUT WHO FUCKING CARES?! HAHAHAHAH!




Anyway, i just hope i'll be successful soon.
Successful in: getting a job, being a good daughter/sister/auntie/grandaughter
/friend/buddy, having good skin regime, not being clumsy, having good hair, not being broke and the list just goes on.

Its funny how sometimes someone can make you love him in just a moment,
The love just grows and grows, till it made you blind and numb.
And the next thing you know, you just want him to be burnt.
The worst thing is, you wish that never again, love to come.

. . . . . . . .. .........

mari kita start sesi berpanton.
ok i shall stop talking rubbish.

thank you so much for allowing me to have this Grammy Award this year. I would like to thank my mom for not giving up on me, my dad for supporting me, my siblings whom never fail to care, my monsters who are Myra, Ain, Suf and Hakim, im sorry auntie couldnt be there for you babies always, but ill always love you. To all my friends, you guys are like... well you guys are wonderful. To Dee and Nazozi, i dont think i'll be fine without you guys. To my nurse manager, go and die lah! Alright. That's all. Once again, thank you.

Okay.
Hello there.
According to LJ, i havent been updating this shit for 9 weeks.
Oh well. So here i am.
haha.
I am becoming lamer, lor.

This entry is basically about me.
Yes, me.
In 4 hours time, i'll be turning 20.

I hate birthdays.
Especially when it involves me, a birthday cake, and a birthday song.
*rolls eyes*

That's also one of the reasons I don't tell people when is my birthday.
Ok, i just did lah over here. But that didnt count.

What's my plan for my birthday?
I don't know.
My class has organise this class bbq tomorrow. And its not because of my birthday, obviously.
Oh well. I am dragging Nazozi along with me. Thanks uh geng. Lu rock.
We call ourselves, 'compan'. Short form for companion. Lame. I know.

oh gosh. the big 2-0 is coming.
Like Aidil said, there is no more '1' in front.
And its no more 'teen'.
Idiot.

Don't ask me whether there are any resolutions for my birthday.

There's none.
Alot had happened this year.
Really it was tough.
Hope this following year will be nice to me.
To all. I love you, and i love the world.
*kalau aku boleh cium satu-satu korang, aku dah lama buat. tak payah tunggu birthday.*

I have never hated a clinical posting so much my entire life.
I am not going to mention which hospital i am referring to, but yeah.
It doesnt make any difference.
3 freaking weeks over there without any pay.
urgh.
The only thing that is restraining me from swearing, is the fact that i am fasting.
Yeah the fasting month started the same day i started the clinical posting.
its 10.04 am now.
I have yet to take a bath.
I have yet to iron my uniform.
I have yet to call my friend to check with he is picking me up or not.

Today shift's ending at 9.
Breaking fast at that damn place.

HAIYA. WHATEVER LAH.

I miss An.
He didnt call me yesterday.

My parents are going to umrah on 22nd September.
And that is when i am done with attachments.
Great.
I have no idea what im going to wear for raya.
And i dont care.

For the time being, i want to buy all these things!

Kate Spade Birarritz Baby Carrier (around S$130) its for my sister who just got pregnant! :D



Jimmy Choo's Marin Shiny leather and suede clutch bag (around S$1200) for my bag raya.



Jimmy Choo's Atlas Petrol patent sandal (S$900) for my kasot jalan raya



Jimmy Choo's Allena Flat sandal (S$400) kasot jalan raya jugak kalau dah penat.


that's all i want for my raya.
that would be.. S$1820.
oh well. thats not that much.